'The Twilight Saga: New Moon'

They're baaack! Star-crossed lovers Bella and her brooding vampire boyfriend Edward return for more teenage angst, forbidden love and cheesy dialogue in "New Moon." It's the sequel to last year's "Twilight," the first chapter of the wildly successful book series written by Stephenie Meyer, which overcame dismal reviews to gross more than $383 million worldwide.

And if you're a die-hard fan who loves "Twilight" unconditionally and can't get enough of Kristen Stewart's torment, Robert Pattinson's hair or Taylor Lautner's abs, then "New Moon" is for you. That's because despite being a more polished effort in terms of production values, the narrative is choppy, the pace is slow, it's way too long (at 2 hours and 10 minutes) and, well, not a lot really happens.

"New Moon" finds Edward and Bella still pining for each other, but in an effort to protect her, Edward decides to leave her behind in Forks, Washington. That means Jacob can finally pursue his feelings for Bella without some blood-sucking vampire standing in his way. But it turns out that Jacob has a secret of his own: he's a werewolf. Sheesh, does this girl know how to pick 'em, or what?

And that's pretty much it, save for some convoluted backstories about the Volturi and the Wolfpack that Twi-hards will understand, savor and appreciate more than anyone else. The problem is that director Chris Weitz ("American Pie," "About A Boy") - who took over the second installment after "Twilight" director Catherine Hardwicke fell out over budgetary constraints - plays it way too safe with a movie that's for the fans only.

Maybe Weitz was compelled to follow the book to the letter, lest he incur their wrath. Or perhaps more like likely, he was determined to prove himself as a filmmaker after his last directorial adaptation of a beloved literary tome, 2007's "The Golden Compass," fell way short of expectations, generating mixed reviews from critics and just $70 million at the domestic box office (though, to be fair, it grossed more than 4 times that overseas).

Regardless, fans will be happy to watch Bella, Edward and Jacob talk about how much they want each other, but can't have each other - even though Edward is hardly in the movie. As far as the young actors are concerned, Kristen Stewart is easily the best of the bunch, but Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner have a long way to go before they can command the screen without generating unintentional laughter (which brings us back to the hair and those abs).

"New Moon" arrives in theaters exactly one year after the first "Twilight" opened, and the third film, "Eclipse," is already scheduled for next June. At least Summit Entertainment, which produces the series, knows what it's doing: cranking them out as fast as possible, before its adoring fan base outgrows them. Those fans will be happy for now, but when they do grow up, hindsight will not be kind.